You ever write a blog post that is heartfelt, honest, and hopeful, the very same day your life falls apart?
In many ways, a week ago felt like all my worst fears come to life. I was worried about coming back to ATL, to life here, after a few weeks of much-needed rest, and all my worries seemed confirmed the moment I stepped off the plane. I’m more than likely exaggerating, anxiety being what it is, but I’m not exaggerating as much as I wish I were.
I’m five days into a new month, and I’m already worried I won’t make it out. I’ve spent a year in Atlanta and feel like I’m right back where I was one year ago. Looking for a job, wondering where I’m going to live in a few months, and unsure about either eventuality.
As much progress as I know I’ve made, I feel like I haven’t made any. It’s enough to make you want to give up, which I was very close to doing last week.
Thankfully, things turned around. Little things. The big questions are still unanswered, but I at least feel like I can breathe. The thing that really changed me was a single conversation I had with a friend who knows a thing or two about transitions. And faith.
If you don’t know Marissa, or someone like here, you are missing out. We have never met in person, but we’ve had some of the best conversations. She also knows what it means when life doesn’t go according to plan.
In the middle of one of the worst days of my life, I admitted to her that I was starting to wonder if all this had been a mistake. And I do mean all of it. I wondered if what I thought had been faith was really just foolishness.
And she reminded me that faith is foolishness. It’s letting go of the apparent and embracing the extraordinary. It’s not easy, but it’s about not settling for the obvious, all the while praying that the unrest in our souls is for a bigger purpose.
I’m so thankful she said that to me. The thing is, I thought I was beginning to understand faith. But, of course, I haven’t scratched the surface. As much as I learn, what I am learning is that I don’t know. Walking by faith is more than what we think it is.
We can say, “faith is foolishness”, but, no matter how many times we do, some part of us will think, “but not as foolish as that.” That is, until we find ourselves in that situation.
I don’t know what it looks like. Maybe when I’m done, if I’m ever done, I’ll be able to map it out. Maybe that’s the only time you can. Maybe it’s just not a thing you can measure bit-by-bit. Maybe at a certain point, faith and failure look like the same thing.
Maybe faith is standing still while the train comes barreling at you, confident it will switch tracks at the last minute. Maybe it's frantically trying to free yourself until you succeed at the last second. I don’t know.
But I believe, and maybe that’s all I need right now.
That and a good conversation.