This is the fourth entry in the series on my Core Desired Feelings, and can I just say I’m a little pleased that I get to say “fourth in the series”. I don’t know why, but that feels like an accomplishment.
You can read my previous entries on Free, Creative, and Love, or, if you’re interested in “The Desire Map” by Danielle LaPorte, you can check out the podcast I did with Kayla Hollatz for #CreateLounge here.
This was probably the most surprising of my Core Desired Feelings, (CDF’s). With Free, Love, and Creative, I had an inkling that something like them would end up in my final list of words. Abundant was a word I didn’t expect, especially considering how I finally settled on it.
To explain, I have to tell you about the relationship I have with another word: Enough.
Enough is kind of a four-letter-word for me, but not in a fun way. It’s dangerous. It’s something I’ve never been able to really handle or put down. It keeps showing up. Especially when life feels out of my control.
When things get hard, I find that word appearing in my vocabulary, in the questions I ask myself.
Did I say enough back there? Should I have said more? Am I doing enough? Am I trying hard enough? Am I working hard enough to make this work? Will it be enough?
On the one hand, these questions make sense. When we don’t know, we want to know. We wonder if our efforts will be sufficient. We wonder if there’s something we should be doing, or have we done everything we possibly can?
On the other hand, though, these questions have no answer. Which is why they are dangerous?
Because enough is never enough. It’s the moving goal posts. The rainbow’s end. Life doesn’t come with a rubric, so we can check our progress. Lots of things are just out of our hands, and if we obsess over concepts like “enough”, we’ll drive ourselves crazy.
What’s worse is that the line between “Am I doing enough?” and “Am I enough?” is wafer-thin, and you often don’t know you’ve crossed it until you are almost too far gone.
Enough is a dangerous word for me, which is why it surprised me when it kept coming in my lists when I went through The Desire Map.
Not “Enough” itself, but words that felt similar. Words like “worthy” and “full”. Words that made me realize that I’ve always wanted to feel “enough”. This confused me and worried me, because I knew how dangerous “enough” was. How then could it be one of my Core Desired Feelings?
One of the practices Danielle LaPorte recommends when trying to figure out your CDF’s is looking in a thesaurus. Because you will find that a lot of the different words you write down are related, and the goal of getting down to your Core Desired Feelings, emphasis on “Core”, is to see what word might unite them all together.
I thought there might be a better word. More enough than “enough”.
Because it wasn’t just “enough” that I want to feel. I want to feel like more than enough. Enough, if I could ever actually get there, still feels like not enough. It feels like contentment, which is good, but I don’t just want to be content. I want to be growing. Content, enough, feel like being okay with where you are, just as you are, requiring nothing to change.
I want more than that. Because alongside words like “worthy”, I had words like “expansive” and “generous”. Words that feel bigger than contentment. Words that are almost discontented, not okay with things just staying as they are. I want growth, expansion, development, bettering.
I want to be okay with where I am, but, at the same time, I want to be looking to the horizon. Contented and yet eager. Dreaming of the next thing yet satisfied with whatever comes.
And so, I sought to reconcile these two, seemingly opposing, forces. It might seem like an impossible task to find a word that will describe all these feelings. Except I did.
I took Danielle’s advice, went to a thesaurus, and typed in the dreaded word: Enough.
The. First. Entry.
Light from heaven. A choir of angels singing. Serendipity. Eureka.
The word I was looking for. Abundant.
It’s so perfect, I still stare at it in awe every time.
Enough and yet more than enough. Content in it’s own quantity, yet seeking to pour out on anyone and anything it can find. Come, there is plenty for all.
Peaceful, restful, enough, yet more and more. More than you will ever need, so why not go and try and do, knowing you can always come back, you will always be enough. It’s not a question you ever need to ask yourself again.
Of course, I should add, as with all the others, naming it hasn’t suddenly brought it into my life. This is about how I want to feel, not how I feel every day. But that’s the good news. Core Desired Feelings is about naming goals, and that’s a hard thing for me, because disappointment feels just around the corner. Once you name it that seems like a good indicator of the thing you are never going to get.
But the purpose, the true beauty of The Desire Map is that it’s not about getting something. It’s about learning that it was never the thing you wanted, it was how you thought the thing was going to make you feel.
Abundant is how I want to feel. I don’t feel it everyday, but I know I won’t find it in jobs or things or money. Abundance is going to come from somewhere else. Like my other CDF’s.
It’s going to come from within.