All of my Core Desired Feelings are, naturally, personal. That’s sort of the point, and the magic, of it. Even if your CDF is the same as someone else’s, it won’t really be the same. Your interpretation of the word, the emotions and, of course, desires you attach to will give it a distinct, unique flavor.
That being said, this CDF is probably the most personal of all of them. Love is another word that, like Free and Creative, I knew would probably show up as a CDF, in one form or another.
In the course of working through The Desire Map, I kept coming back to words like “joyful”, “merry”, and “worth”, which weren’t surprising. If there is an emotion I’d want to feel more, it’s happy, or some flavor of it. But there were other words, too. Words I’m also embarrassed to write down, except this is all about vulnerability; words like “expansive”, “sensuous”, and “romantic.” And the more I looked at all my words, the more I felt these words particularly went together.
Sooner or later, I realized I had been dancing around another word. I word I hadn’t even written down the first time. Love.
Of course, the simplest words are usually the best, the deepest, the most profound and meaningful.
Love makes sense as a CDF for many reasons. Core Desired Feelings are all about how you want to feel, and Loved is definitely how I want to feel. Not only that, it’s how I want to be. It’s how I want other people to feel around me.
I want to be Loved and Loving. In and out. Back and forth. Giving it out as much as taking it in.
Love, like my other CDF’s, is also something that I haven’t always felt. I’ve written about if before, but I’m 32 and I’ve never had a girlfriend or so much as been on a date, and not for lack of trying.
Romantic Love, of course, isn’t the only kind or even always the best kind. But when you’re missing something like that, you start to wonder. Words like “worthy” and “enough” become hard to hold. You start to think you’d have it by now, or you’d at least be able to point to a time when you did even if it didn’t end up working out, if only you were different. If only you were better or more confident or, even though it doesn’t make any sense, more Loving.
Because if you want to get it, then you have to give it, right?
So, if you’re not getting it, what does that mean about how well you’re giving it?
I’ll go ahead and tell you: I don’t have an answer for that. It’s a question I’ve asked myself for years. But this isn’t really about dating or even singleness, and it’s certainly not about you’ll-find-Love-the-moment-you-stop-looking-for-it.
This is about desire. This is about what I want.
And I’m learning it’s okay to want this. To want to be more Loving and more Loved. It’s not selfish, and it’s not weird.
I think I want what everyone wants: to be as important to someone as they are to me.
What that means, first of all, is that I have to make sure the people that matter to me know it. I have to show them, tell them, because they deserve that.
And, yeah, sometimes Love is unrequited. Sometimes you have to give with no thought of getting anything back. It hurts, but it can be still good. But that’s not the only kind of Love there is.
Because what it also means is that I can want it to be returned, too. I can want to be wanted. That I am worthy of that, and it’s okay if I don’t have it yet.
Because this is about desire. It’s about what I want, not what I have. It’s about how I want my life to feel, not necessarily how it feels already.
Like Free. Like Creative. Love is something I want more of in my life. It’s hard, yes. It’ll test everything you are. It’s supposed to. But it’s worth it.
I’m worth it.